


make it last.

by victuurikatsudon



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Terminal Illnesses, i hate myself???, victor im so sorry everything will be ok
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-03-15 17:13:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13617936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victuurikatsudon/pseuds/victuurikatsudon
Summary: Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. They're learning it the hard way.





	1. this is only the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This is a sad and angsty fic that will not have a happy ending. It will be rough and painful. If terminal illness sets you off, please do not continue. I do not own Yuri on Ice or any of its wonderful characters.

“I think,” Yuuri sighs, “it’s time.”

The sun sets gently in the background, the vibrant colors of the sky reflecting poorly on Victor’s heart. Those four words pierced fiercely into his skin, carving deep and residing into his bones.

He wasn’t  _ready._

There’s a certain kind of finality that settles over Victor, so tough and heavy that it felt as if he were drowning. He isn’t ready for this, any of this, and he vaguely wonders why something like this happens to someone as pure and beautiful as Yuuri.

“I don’t know,” the younger man replies, making Victor realize that he must’ve said that out loud. “Sometimes bad things happens to good people and all we can do is accept that.” His small, frail hand traces the sharp curve of Victor’s jaw and gives a small smile. But it disappeared as fast as it came. He breathes in slowly, traces of pain outlined on his face.

“It’s not fair,” Victor says, his accent rough and scattered with the urgent need to just make this _last._

“No, I suppose it’s not.” A look of wonderment drifts over Yuuri’s eyes again and he focuses back on Victor. They were losing a bit of their color, Victor notices, and it takes all of his strength to not crumble into the floor and drift away.

Silence was washed throughout the room and the only thing Victor could focus on was the weak and struggled rise and fall of Yuuri’s chest. The color of his skin that once held color of Hasetsu sand now comparing to the lonely, white snow of St. Petersburg. The IV’s plugged into his skin pumped unnameable substances into his lover’s skin and Victor cursed himself for ever doubting this man’s strength. He’s been fighting so long, so hard, and this battle they were facing seemed to be nearing its end.

He didn’t fight hard enough.

“Hey,” Yuuri whispers, using his fingers to tip up Victor’s jaw, “it’s okay.”

 _‘It’s not,’_  Victor wanted to shout, climb on top of a mountain and curse whatever the hell it was that made his light, his star, his sun, suffer like this, _'nothing about this will ever be okay.’_

The overwhelming urge to let desperation and agony fill his lungs was subsided from the knowledge that Victor had to keep himself together for Yuuri’s sake. He can’t show himself falling apart, steadily breaking off piece by piece. But the thoughts conforming in his brain was almost too much to take on himself. Nothing will ever make this ache go away. It constantly grows, forming into the pit of heart and the core of his brain. The consistent beeping of the machines pound harshly into Victor’s ears, constantly reminding him that Yuuri is still breathing,  _he’s still here, he’s still with him-_

“Vitya,” a soft voice exhales, breaking through his brutal thoughts. A shaking hand gently wipes away wetness from his cheeks and it takes a few moments for Victor to realize that it’s coming from him. A delicate gasp slips from his lips and now that the dam’s been cracked, he doesn’t have the strength to fight the breakage.

“You’ve been so strong,” Yuuri acknowledges, “but you don’t have to pretend that you’re okay.” With a little effort, Yuuri manages to press Victor’s hand against his heart.

 _'It’s weak,’_  he thinks,  _'but it’s still there. He’s here. But he’s so fragile-’_

“I love you,” Yuuri murmurs, a genuine smile planted on his lips.

Victor chokes on air, feeling the dam abruptly shatter open, the water pouring out and destroying all the foundation he’s built. The room begins to shatter out of focus, his vision of Yuuri becoming blurry and distant. It should feel odd to be drifting out of his body, the infinite waves of emotions violently crashing over him. All Victor can do is stand on an isolated island, watching as a tsunami well-stacked of regrets and broken promises heads towards him.

“I want to thank you,” Yuuri breathes, his hand travelling to Victor’s cheek and caressing it as if  _he_  were the fragile one. “Let me,” he begs, determination seeping through his tone.

Blue eyes locked onto brown and the gravity of what Yuuri was saying threatened to rip Victor apart. This is too much, not enough, and the emotions that sang within his lovers eyes only solidified Victor’s strength, if only for that moment.

“Alright,” he replies, gaining the courage to reach up and grab Yuri’s hand, entwining their fingers. “Alright.”


	2. Healah

The first night without Yuuri was unbearable.

What Victor immediately notices is how quiet the whole apartment is. It brought him back to when he was alone, the heavy gold medal pressing against his chest and bribing how he’ll always be like this, **_never enough, never enough, never enough-_**

_'It’s going to be alright,’ Yuuri sighs, squeezing his hand as a quick look of pain flashes across his eyes. Still, with the incredible odds against them, he manages to smile. ‘Vitya, it’ll be alright.’ All Victor can do is give a weak nod, still gripping his lover’s hand as if it will disappear. ‘Look at me,’ Yuuri begs, his voice small, weak, but determined. ‘Look at me.’_

_A moment passes before Victor has the nerve to raise his eyes. The air in his lungs seemingly escape him all at once, leaving him with no desire to catch it back. The sun was brushing against Yuuri’s cheeks, swimming in his dark hair, mapping his collarbone and resting on his lips._

_Beautiful._

_He looked beautiful._

_I love you,’ is all Victor can say, because what else is there?_

_Yuuri reaches out, his thumb resting against the edge of Victor’s jaw. His fingertips gently push Victor’s hair behind his ear, so soft and light that Victor could feel the grief nibbling at him._

_'I’ll keep my eyes on you,’ Victor whispers, giving a heavy, settled smile. Yuuri’s eyes widen with understanding, a wet laugh emerging from his lips. He forces Victor forward, dragging him close until their foreheads vaguely touch._

_'You’ll watch me?’ Yuuri asks, his eyes baring straight into the ocean of Victor’s._

_Glimpses of their past overwhelm them both and Victor lets himself be capsized._

_‘Always.’_

-

Makkachin rubs his wet nose against Victor’s palm and he barely has the energy to shake off the weight pushing against his back.

“I didn’t know it was possible to get this cold,” he sighs, gradually witnessing the world drain of its color. “If being in love is like this, I don’t want it.”

The response was only the creaking of the floorboards and the soft cry of the wind.

“It’s empty,” he breaks, numbly clenching his hands, completely oblivious to the way his sharp nails dig deep, “my heart feels so _empty_.”

It’s sickening, he thinks, that when he closes his eyes he can almost feel him. He could feel Yuuri's lips press against the pulse point of his neck, his long and slender fingers trailing along the canvas of his chest. And if he tried, really tried, he could almost hear the way he said his name. Each syllable spoken with such diligence and grace that a little bit of love would seep into his bloodstream.

He wishes he never met him.

“Just take it away,” his voice catches, glaring blankly at the torn walls, the wallpaper steadily peeling off. “I don’t want it. I don’t _need_ it!”

A piece of wallpaper floats steadily onto the floor. It crumbles in on itself and he feels desperation start to cloud over him. Falling in love was easy, but watching death become one with the one person you _lived_ for-

“I want to forget you,” tears tenderly caress down his cheeks, barely holding onto his jaw before disappearing to the top of his shoes. What made anger burn tightly in his heart, however, is that he’ll always be there. Lingering. Whispering.

Another piece drifts to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Okay. I'm sorry for the long wait, but wow. Poor Vitya. Hopefully I'll be able to update soon, I'm trying to be able to update every weekend. Thank you all for your patience!

**Author's Note:**

> This will be continued once I have the next chapter all completed to go. Thank you so much for reading and please feel free to drop a comment or leave kudos. :) I'M SORRY YUURI I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. If you want updates on this and other work, here's my tumblr! https: // victurikatsudon.tumblr.com /


End file.
